Amy Schumer on Dating

"It's work having a vagina. Guys don't think that its work but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn't. Every night it's like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me."

On the subject of spanking...

That awkward moment where your date suddenly decides you must have forgotten to share that you really like being spanked and decides to help you out.

Gentlemen: I guess I can't speak for the other girls out there, but if I wanted you to, I would tell you. Stop confusing porn with real life.

"You're turning away business!"

Said by my best friend's grandma when she saw a ring (that I bought myself) on my left hand:

"What are you doing!? You can't do that! You're turning away business!"

 

"What? You girls don't like poop?"

Picture it: A group of pretty co-eds around a bar table.

A guy (who we can only hope to God was drunk based on ensuing events) walks up to their table, turns around, and bends over. Said girls are then assaulted by a foul odor...

Drunk Guy: What? You girls don't like poop?

 ...and then he walks away. I'm not sure what this technique was supposed to be, but effective was clearly not it.