Amy Schumer on Dating

"It's work having a vagina. Guys don't think that its work but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn't. Every night it's like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me."

On the subject of spanking...

That awkward moment where your date suddenly decides you must have forgotten to share that you really like being spanked and decides to help you out.

Gentlemen: I guess I can't speak for the other girls out there, but if I wanted you to, I would tell you. Stop confusing porn with real life.

"You're turning away business!"

Said by my best friend's grandma when she saw a ring (that I bought myself) on my left hand:

"What are you doing!? You can't do that! You're turning away business!"

 

"What? You girls don't like poop?"

Picture it: A group of pretty co-eds around a bar table.

A guy (who we can only hope to God was drunk based on ensuing events) walks up to their table, turns around, and bends over. Said girls are then assaulted by a foul odor...

Drunk Guy: What? You girls don't like poop?

 ...and then he walks away. I'm not sure what this technique was supposed to be, but effective was clearly not it.

Amy Schumer on Dating

"I'm like, let me just sweep this crazy under the rug for a couple months. You don't get to see this yet. It's gonna be a big surprise month three after I have some whiskey."

Louis C.K. on Dating

“A woman saying yes to a date with a man is literally insane and ill-advised, and the whole species' existence counts on them doing it. I don't know how they...how do women still go out with guys, when you consider the fact that there is no greater threat to women than men? We're the number one threat to women. Globally and historically, we're the number one cause of injury and mayhem to women. We're the worst thing that ever happens to them. That's true! You know what our number one threat is? Heart disease...If you’re a guy, imagine you could only date a half-bear-half-lion. ‘Oh, I hope this one’s nice! I hope he doesn’t do what he’s going to do.’”

...and then he reached out and touched my general uterus area.

We all have drunk guy in a bar stories. Here's one of mine.

When you are at a bar with a group that includes pretty girls and you run into a group out doing the after-party thing following a wedding, it is inevitable that some of their half-or-all-the-way-in-the-bag males will try to talk to said girls. In my case, it was VERY inebriated brother of the bride who told me he was currently pursuing a career in the city's sanitation department. Politeness is always my downfall in these situations...

Me: So... how was the wedding?

Drunk Guy: It was really nice, especially the sermon... I felt like the priest really spoke to me. 

Me: Really? That's nice, I guess. What was the topic?

Drunk Guy: You know, what you want out of life, family, the important things... 

...and then he reached out and touched/rubbed my general uterus area.

[It should be noted that, in the moments between my reeling from this encounter and fleeing the scene, one of the Drunk Guy's friends (who had clearly observed the moment) walked up and whispered in his ear. Drunk Guy sheepishly pulled out his keys and handed them over. Too bad Drunk Guy's friends were all paired off.]